sorry

oh man, i feel like a bit of an asshole now. i complain all the time on this blog about how lame my job is and how the people have no passion and then just before i was going home, one of the managers came over to me and said he heard i was leaving. i said yes, i was and he said it was a shame as i would be missed and they really appreciated the work i had done. i joked that i think they might be relieved that i was going and they would now get more work done as i would no longer interrupt them all day asking questions about who to call for this thing, or who to speak to in networks for that other thing, but he said it was no bother and that they were sad to see me go and wished me luck. it was all really sincere and i kind of felt a little bad about whining about them on my secret blog.

a few other people have said similar things to me today and i feel a little bad now. i shouldn't have said those bad things about the bank, but i just don't like it there. i feel as if i am contributing hardly anything to them and achieving very little. shit!, if they think what i have done uptill now is good work then they should see what i am like when i give everything i got, like i did at the internet company i used to work for. i worked silly hours, pulled all nighters, worked weekends and was on it all the time, and it turned out they didn't care that much. i guess that experience has affected me and i can almost not believe it when people say they value the work i do, especially when i see it as so little and so easy.

speaking of the internet company i used to work at a couple of years ago, they are firing a few people and i heard from one of my closest friends there that she was about to get fired. we were both hired on the same day and sat near each other when we first got there. when you didn't know anyone and so we became friends almost out of necessity and remained good friends even after i left and i am also friends with her boyfriend now as well. she worked really hard as well there and is a really nice person and it looks like she is about to get fired. all that effort and it counts for shit in the end. i am glad i left when i did but i feel really bad for her. will try and meet up with her next week. i haven't spoken to her for a few weeks but she wrote me and wished me well for my new job before telling me of her bad news.

anyways i feel a little bad because i criticised people who were sincere to me and complimented me and i feel bad because my friend might get fired on monday.

can i just repeat that even though i whine about shit on this blog i am not a whiny fucker in real life and i remind myself everyday how lucky i am, even though my posts may not necessarily reflect that.

i think its just like that i almost like to struggle when i am doing something. if it comes easily then it just doesn't feel satisfying. at school i got my highest marks in history or english so when it came to picking my a-levels i decided to physics, chemistry and maths, which were all subjects i found much more difficult. at university i should have done a degree in economics but instead i did electronic engineering which i found really hard going and tough to get through. don't think i enjoyed it because i didn't, but i wonder if i had done something that i had a natural aptitude for, i may have got bored and demotivated.

i think its the same at work. if its easy i just find it dull and then it gets me down and i don't want to do it. i am also not really interested in things i know how to do. if you know something that means its easy and if its easy its dull. hopefully the new job will be a little beyond me and will keep me interested. christ, i hope so otherwise i will be looking for something else in 6 months. :-)